Unexpressed thoughts

I have a million of thoughts I can't express, thousands of things to say--scream, rather--but I keep silent.

Why bother? 
No one is listening.

You left

You planted roses in my heart, 

daisies in my mind, 

lillies in my eyes

and left them all to die.

BY UNKNOWN

“1. There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don’t. It will not be beautiful. It will not be brave. It will be selfish. It will be broken. Your mother will cry.

2. Don’t write for him. Write for you. Write for others like you. Write so the girl that thinks about stepping in front of public transportation doesn’t. Don’t be selfish.

3. When you will yourself to sleep and it doesn’t come- get up. It doesn’t matter that it’s 3 am. There will be other 3 am’s. Take a shower. Take two. Wash him out of your hair. Write a poem. Read the same book you’ve read 202 times again. The 203rd time might tell you something different. Don’t stay in bed- you will think about the bus again.

4. Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you.

5. Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself.

6. Dress up and wear red lipstick and get drunk with your friends. They’re the ones that will pick you up. Don’t kiss him. Or him. Don’t fall asleep on strange couches with strange boys. When his hand slides up your dress walk away. Hit him. Don’t kiss him. He can’t save you.

7. Get another tattoo. Get five more. Get another hole in your ear. Don’t listen to your dad. You will still be able to get a job. Did you really want to be employed by someone like your father? Haven’t you had enough of judgmental old white men anyway? Get fuck you tattooed in tiny letters on your hip.

8. When you feel the yearning for a new city- start over. Take 200 bucks and a three suitcases. Work anywhere that will have you. Meet strange people and forget your name. Call yourself Ruby. No one will know the difference. Remember to call your mother. Don’t be selfish. Come home when you find yourself in the strangers and the small one bedroom apartment.

9. Don’t whisper evil things into your own ear. Other people are going to shout them at you. Be your own hero. Keep a sword on your key ring.

10. Don’t step in front of a city bus. It will not be beautiful. Live. Stay up all night with a boy that promises you everything and means it. Live. See shitty local bands with a friend. Wear a different band’s t-shirt. No one will care. Live. Have a baby girl with tiny fingers and tiny toes someday. Pour love into her until it’s overflowing. Live. Wake up. Staying in bed all day is not poetic.

Live. Live.

Live.

Do you hear that? It’s me. It’s your life. Wake up.

”

(c) tumblr 

Take a Chance

If you're the kind of person who likes to stay on the safer side of things, you might not think that there are many reasons to take a chance. I used to think this way until I realized that I couldn't live my entire life without taking any risks. Over time, you'll realize that there are many important reasons to take a chance and become more comfortable with the idea of it. To get you started, here is my list of why I like to take chances. 

1. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN

One of the more obvious reasons to take a chance is that the outcome is always a surprise. Although there is a chance that taking a risk can end badly, you'll never know if there could have been some really great outcomes too! And I don't know about you, but the constant question of "what could have happened?" always nags at me if I don't take the chance.

2. YOU'LL REGRET IT IF YOU DON'T

Speaking of nagging, have you ever missed out on taking a chance and experienced that nagging feeling of regret? I know I have felt this unpleasant pang of regret one too many times. Although it can be comforting to take the safe side once in a while, I always end up regretting not finding out what could have happened. The feeling is not one that I find pleasant, so I like to take all of the chances that come my way. This way, I know that even if the situation ends badly, I found out what could have happened.

3. YOU ONLY GET ONE LIFE TO LIVE

We only get this one life to live so why not live it up, right? It is scary to think about the bad things that might come from you taking a chance but, sometimes, it is even scarier to think about living your life without taking chances or risks. Even though you don't have to take every risk that comes your way, taking a few risks here and there is healthy! But always be sure that taking the chance is right for you!

4. YOU'LL NEVER GET ANYWHERE WITHOUT IT

Life is all about taking chances. And you won't get far in life without taking them. When you were little, you didn't have to get up on that bike and start peddling, but you did. This simple example can be applied to every other aspect in life! Whether you are taking a chance at love, a career, or another life choice, you can either choose to take a chance at it or stay back in the outfield. But remember that if you stay in the outfield forever, you'll never get up to bat. And that's always the best part!

5. CONQUER YOUR FEARS

If you're afraid of taking chances, believe me, you are not alone! I have been scared of taking risks all of my life. However, everyone needs to learn that being afraid of taking chances is a fear that you need to overcome. You can't live your whole life being scared of the unknown. So when you're ready, go take that chance that you've been dying to take. I promise you that it will be worth it!

6. LEARN FROM THEM

Taking chances is something that is easy to learn from. You can learn if you are comfortable with the chance you took or discover that you want to play it safe the next time an opportunity rolls around. You can also learn when it is the right time to take chances. Knowledge comes from experience. And the way to gain experience is through taking chances!

7. GET YOUR FILL

In everyone's life there comes a time where you want to take chances. However, depending on the situations, this can become dangerous. Staggering the amount of chances you take will help you get your fill of risk and stay safe at the same time. Taking chances is healthy to a point, so take risks but stay as safe as possible at the same time! 

UGH SCHOOL

Nowhere near ready for 3rd year

Reasons why I’m being anxious about school:

• I might not get along with my classmates. I might be friendless. I have a hard time talking to strangers first and they might get the impression that I’m being a snob.
• Horror teachers. What if my works don’t meet their expectations? 
• I hate having to introduce myself over and over again and I hate reciting. My chest tightens when I recite and the words come out all wrong. I sound like shit when I talk. 
• Reporting. I’m really afraid to talk in front of a large crowd. Especially when their eyes and ears are all on me. I can’t speak properly and I can’t make an eye contact with the audience.
• I don’t think I can keep up with the lessons. I just don’t know.. Thinking of the subjects really makes me feel like I won’t be able to pass them. 
• I get uncomfortable when I interact. I don’t know how to be bubbly and exciting. 
• I have a hard time focusing especially if the teacher’s having a lecture. I always day dream. 
• My attention span and memorization skills suck bigtime. I get distracted way too easily.

My head’s completely being taken over by these crap. Fuck. I’m not ready for school yet.

That Night

05.25.13

10:38pm

I'm having THAT night where I just sit and wonder about everything that ever happened. The good and the bad. I'm having flashbacks about the people that meant so much to me. I wonder about the things they've ever said and done. IT FEELS SO GOOD, AND HURTS SO BAD ALL AT ONCE.

Looking For Alaska

Looking for Alaska a novel by John Green.

“The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. (...) You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.” 
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“What you must understand about me is that I’m a deeply unhappy person.” 
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid, and it hurts, but then it's over and you're relieved.” 
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“That didn’t happen, of course. Things never happened the way I imagined them.” 
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

:-) SMILE! 

- https://twitter.com/TyDejon

I deserve to smile

04.06.13

@ UP Diliman.

(c) Jossine Manalo.

3 WORDS

Our psychological state allows us to see only what we want/need/feel to see at a particular time. What are the first three words that you see?

Read more: http://pilosopogyno.tumblr.com/page/10#ixzz2P0ybb000

SUICIDE. LEAVE. PASSION

- Were the first 3 words that I saw.. It says that the words we see are the ones that we WANT, NEED, or FEEL. haha! I don't know what it really mean but I guess this 'psychological' things is true. Indeed, I WANT to commit SUICIDE, I WANT to LEAVE, and I FEEL PASSION. :) 

SUICIDE. With my state right now and with all these complicated things bothering me, I can say that I am so close to giving up. I know I've been strong enough and I've gone too far and maybe I can't hold on any longer.. but then I asked myself what's the point of committing suicide when there is more to life? One of my close friend even said "Only bitches do that." and YES hahaha only bitches do! and I guess that'll make me a BITCH if I do it. =)))))) but NO :) Do the people around me really think I could do it? ha! I can't even cut myself then how in the world can I kill myself? LOL. These past few days have been depressing for me yet I got a time for myself to think. I've realized a lot of things, and one of those are: I NEED TO BE STRONGER AND BRAVER :)

LEAVE. Leaving had been one of my options ever since. The thought of running away crossed my mind a lot of times but I never did it. Why? Because I may be scared at times but I'm not that coward to just runaway from life's challenges. No matter what challenges life gives us, we must be brave and strong enough to face it. We may fall a lot of times but we must know when to get back up. 

PASSION. According to Wikipedia, "Passion is a term applied to a very strong feeling about a person or thing. Passion is intense emotion compelling feeling, enthusiasm, or desire for something." PASSION FOR THE ONE I LOVE? hahahaha! I don't know if there's a connection or relevance but that's the first thing that popped into my mind when I read the meaning of "Passion" :) So, okay I have a PASSION for someone. It sound kind of weird and creepy but it's like I LOVE SOMEONE. haha! That was one of the reasons why I'm such a mess these past few weeks. I love someone and we broke up. There's like 98% of chance that we're not getting back together anymore but I still hold on to that 2%. Stupid right? Well, that's just me. I don't give up on things that I can't afford to lose :) I just hope that that PASSION gets me into something good. :) 

PAGIBIG-LOVE

Ang pag-ibig nga nama’y sadyang napaka-galing.
Dahil iisa ka parin sa puso’t isipan ko kahit na ako’y maging duling.
Dahil kahit maging dalawa ang puso ko, dalawang beses kitang mamahalin.
Dahil nga naman sa pag-ibig… at ikaw ang aking salarin.

Kahit ‘di man tayo itinakda para sa isa’t isa, akin ay ipipilit.
Dahil ang mga kaya kong gawin para sa’yo… ay walang limit.
‘Di ko man kayang magpalakad ng pilay, pero ang nakakalakad ay kaya kong pilayin.
Pero kahit ‘di ka man patay, pangako ko sa magulang mo na kaya kitang buhayin.

Kung masama ang mahalin ka, edi sana hinuli na ako ng mga kagawad.
Kung masama ang mahalin ka, edi hihingi nalang ako ng tawad.
Masisigurado kong ang pag-iwan ko sa’yo ay ‘di maaari.
Pero kapag ako’y iniwan mo, sinta, ako’y magpapari.

Read more: http://pilosopogyno.tumblr.com/page/2#ixzz2P0lkhmJR

(c) PILOSOPGYNO

03.16.13

It kills me not seeing you. It's even sadder cause I can't do anything about it. I've done enough effort to talk to you but you won't let me. It seems like you don't miss me at all. It's hard for me to deal with this because I have no idea why things turned out this way. I wanna hug you, talk to you, hold your hand, kiss you, and just be with you. I want to be beside you right now. I also want to give you endless hugs to assure that things would be okay between us. I couldn't bear it not seeing you. I put aside my pride cause I can’t handle it anymore. I didn't care if you wouldn't reply, at least you knew what’s inside my head. It just makes me feel bad and down because I don’t know what to do to fix things up. Please don’t think that I don’t care because I do, please don't think that I don't love you anymore because I do and I always will like what I promised you. You know how much I don't want things to be this way. I hate how fucked up my feelings are right now. Please don't make it hard for the both of us.

Worse than sad.

Maybe I'm a little sad. Sometimes, it's too hard to smile. Sometimes, there's nothing to smile about. What do you do when everyone is moving and you just can't? I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. I  never know what to do. Sometimes, it's just easier to hide under my covers and ignore everyone. You know, sometimes I even ignore myself. Did you know it was possible? Because it is. It's one of my talents. Ignoring myself. Maybe I'm a little worse than just 'sad.'

Words left unsaid.

I'm not the girl I used to be. I admit, a lot of shit got to me. Pain does make people change.

Sorry, if I'm like this.
Sorry, for being a mess.
Sorry, for being maarte.
Sorry, for being madrama.
Sorry, for being such a problem to you.
Sorry, for having a girlfriend who overthinks too much.
Sorry, for loving someone who's emotionally unstable.

I need someone who I could vent and whine about how complicated my life is and I thought it's gonna be you--from all the people I know who would care. I guess I was wrong. Maybe I just expected too much from you. Maybe you don't really care at all. I guess it was my mistake for depending so much on you. Just please be considerate of what I might feel. I'm only human. I don't have to have it all together every minute of every day. I've got a lot of shit going through inside me--inside my head.

...I NEED YOU.

PAIN. CHANGE. SMILE.

Everything was piling up and things began to get worse. Home life’s a wreck, shit time at school, relationship problems, devastating academic performance that made me feel like I’m not good enough and many more. It tore me to tinier pieces. All the pain pushed me to my limits and made me hurt myself. I was on the point of leaving this reality. No kidding. I couldn’t smile, I was crying all the time & even in school. I was just that hopeless. That also explains my unusual behavior lately.  I cried not because of someone but because I realized how messed up I am and how complicated my situation is. It feels so good to tell some of my friends a part of my situation but something inside told me not to tell everything. So yes, you’re just the one who knows the whole story.

Never knew that it’d come to this. Pain does make people change and make them do things they said they wouldn’t do. Nothing to hold on to since the ones that should be protecting me are the reason why I’m getting messed up even more. And now, it’s like all my efforts went to waste. One more failure and I just might do everything I’m not supposed to do. I can’t stand one more failure. I don’t wanna feel like I’m not good enough. I’ve felt so much pain already. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. So damaged. Shattered. Destroyed. I can’t explain how hurt I am with every single thing.

All my thoughts can’t be put to words. It stays on my mind until they are left unsaid. I’ve always been quiet but now, it seems like I automatically pipe down each day. Everything’s beginning to become useless to me. It’s like everything’s meaningless already. All the things that used to catch my attention now bore me. I prefer being alone. When it’s quiet, everything vanishes and I like it that way. Both happy and unwanted thoughts pop into my head when I’m calmed down. I actually can’t feel anything anymore. Haha. I don’t get happy and sad with the things around me. I think I’ve become numb and to be honest, I prefer it that way.

I’m losing hope in myself already. I’m so frustrated with myself.No matter how hard it is. I will be happy even when nothing’s going right anymore. I’ve been pretending all my life, I won’t give up now.

Smile. Heads up!

March 14, 2013
Just because I laugh a lot, doesn't mean my life is easy. Just because I have a smile on my face everyday, doesn't mean that something is not bothering me. It's just that I chose to move on with the negative in my life, and keep my head up, instead of dwelling on the bad things.

03.13.13

Once you get everything straightened out and you begin to enjoy life, something happens. It happens because there has to be some kind of events that hits you in the face and make you realize it's not all gonna come that easy. You have to work at your love and dry your tears. Friends will come and go and guess what, there will be others. Not every relationship will be enchanting and perfect and if it's meant to be, it'll always find its way.

MOTIVATION.

"When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too."

(c) tumblr.

"isipin mo kung saan ka nagsimula and pano ka nakarating sa stage na yan. then you'll know how to get up"

"i know it's not easy pero when it comes to success eh there's no easy way"

"then prove them wrong ty. don't work hard to please them. work hard to earn your respect. it's CONFIDENCE ty"

"tiwala yan ty. you have the skills. you have to work double time be patient ty"

- RY. 

NEVER BACK DOWN. TIWALA. PUSO LANG. GIVE YOUR ALL. DO YOUR BEST. 

TIRED.

"I'm tired of trying to hold things that cannot be held.

Trying to control what cannot be controlled.

I am tired of denying myself what I want

for fear of breaking things I cannot fix.

They will break no matter what we do."

DON'T.

It's that moment in which you are so close to giving up; that you're so tired, so exhausted, sick of failing again and again, that you need someone to just hug you so tight and whisper in your ear:
"it's all okay. You have done well. We can try together again tomorrow"

If you don't have that someone, then be that person who keeps walking forward.

You don't know who you might find at the end of the road, the experiences you might get, the rewards life will offer you.

Don't give up just yet.

EMOTIONS.

It's amazing how many different emotions one person can make you feel. One day you're on top of the world, with a smile on your face and a warmth in your heart that makes you believe great things are bound to happen. And then in a second, all of that can change. So you don't know what to feel. You're left with a mess that only that one person can clean up. It's chaotic. Crazy. Wild. But you just can't stop wanting it, because of that bad stuff, feeling all that stuff that makes your head ache and your heart crave... it's better than feeling nothing at all.

UNITITLED PHOTOGRAPHY.

PHOTOGRAPHY
- Canon D600
- NO FILTER. NO EFFECTS. NO EDIT. J

© Jossine Manalo || jossinemanalo.blogspot.com || twitter.com/manalojossine || facebook.com/mahalkosiNine
© Tyra Dejon || tyrdjn.blogspot.com || twitter.com/tydejon || facebook.com/tyrdjn28