PAIN. CHANGE. SMILE.

Everything was piling up and things began to get worse. Home life’s a wreck, shit time at school, relationship problems, devastating academic performance that made me feel like I’m not good enough and many more. It tore me to tinier pieces. All the pain pushed me to my limits and made me hurt myself. I was on the point of leaving this reality. No kidding. I couldn’t smile, I was crying all the time & even in school. I was just that hopeless. That also explains my unusual behavior lately.  I cried not because of someone but because I realized how messed up I am and how complicated my situation is. It feels so good to tell some of my friends a part of my situation but something inside told me not to tell everything. So yes, you’re just the one who knows the whole story.

Never knew that it’d come to this. Pain does make people change and make them do things they said they wouldn’t do. Nothing to hold on to since the ones that should be protecting me are the reason why I’m getting messed up even more. And now, it’s like all my efforts went to waste. One more failure and I just might do everything I’m not supposed to do. I can’t stand one more failure. I don’t wanna feel like I’m not good enough. I’ve felt so much pain already. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. So damaged. Shattered. Destroyed. I can’t explain how hurt I am with every single thing.

All my thoughts can’t be put to words. It stays on my mind until they are left unsaid. I’ve always been quiet but now, it seems like I automatically pipe down each day. Everything’s beginning to become useless to me. It’s like everything’s meaningless already. All the things that used to catch my attention now bore me. I prefer being alone. When it’s quiet, everything vanishes and I like it that way. Both happy and unwanted thoughts pop into my head when I’m calmed down. I actually can’t feel anything anymore. Haha. I don’t get happy and sad with the things around me. I think I’ve become numb and to be honest, I prefer it that way.

I’m losing hope in myself already. I’m so frustrated with myself.No matter how hard it is. I will be happy even when nothing’s going right anymore. I’ve been pretending all my life, I won’t give up now.